It’s sad to admit, but it doesn’t take very much to ruin a good girl. One guy, one night.. that could be it. One cheating husband, one dirty photo, one sext message.. Where is the line between innocent flirting and cheating? I don’t think there is one clear answer to this, everyone has their own opinions. Really, I think cheating is all relationship specific as well. But once it happens to you and you see him cross that line, I’m not sure if there is any going back. How could you ever really trust that person again? You may not want to admit it to yourself, but the relationship is over. You can end it right then and there like the swift pulling of a band aid, or you can do it the hard way (AKA The Way I Did It).
When I found out my boyfriend (at the time) was seeing another girl, I kept it to myself at first. My decision to torture him was an easy one. Everything that was good and pure about our relationship was gone, I felt nothing towards him. The first thing I did was tell him that I thought I was pregnant. I loved watching him squirm. Seeing him lose all the color in his dark skin was just the thing I needed to patch up the hole in my chest. Only about a minute later he just got up and left, when I asked where he thought he was going he told me to mind my own business. He grabbed his baggie of weed and was gone for the next two hours.. I still don’t know where he went. Obviously this made me mad, what if I really was pregnant? This is how he would react? By leaving me alone. I phoned his cell phone and told him that I was lying. He came home with a big smile on his face and a box of tampons. “Here ya go, babe.” That was the moment I became addicted to fighting him.
I started to pick fights about anything and everything. Music, TV, Movies, Friends, Family.. the fact that I moved to Ottawa to be with his cheating ass. I started a fight with him about a joke one of his friends said, I still remember the screaming fit I threw in the passenger seat of his car. He drove off a side road and got out of the car, telling me to do the same. I said no and sat there with my arms crossed. He opened the door and pulled me out by my arm, he grabbed me hard and threw me down on the hood of the car. We had sex in a complete rage and it was one of the hottest moments of my life. After a few months of fighting and angry sex, the sex stopped. All we had left was our arguments and hateful words. By this time he knew that I knew about the other girl, he also told me that he wasn’t going to stop seeing her.
Since sex was no longer a part of our relationship and it was clear he was getting it elsewhere. The only logical thing for a girl like me to do, is call up his best friend. This was a really great guy, he always told me he didn’t know what was going through my boyfriends head, how could he do a good girl wrong like that? Well, to his surprise this good girl was gone. One drunken night our phone calls turned into something a little more. We would spend hours talking about all the different ways we wished we could devour each other. He gave me my first experience with the Latin touch, and you gotta know how much I lurved being called mami. I never told my boyfriend about this, I figured there was no point in fighting him. Whenever we were together everything was forced and awkward, you could cut the tension with a knife. There were no soft feelings between us, only a hard hatred of even being in the same room together. We still didn’t break up though, the idea of being alone scared both of us. We went on this way for a year and a half before we finally called it quits.
Being stuck so long in a rut like that is hurtful. Looking back I wish none of it happened, we should have broken up when I first found out about the other girl. Something like that is emotionally and physically damaging, it’s hard to get out of that state of mind and try to better yourself. I punished myself for my actions by dating the same type of guy over and over again. I date the stoners, I date the cheaters, I date the liars. I began to wonder if there were any nice guys out there. Where did they all go? It took a while, but I finally realized that nice guys don’t like bad girls. When you act a certain way, you attract a certain type of guy. It is up to you to clean up or stay in the dumps. After spending so many years in an angry, vengeful relationship, it is hard to be with a genuinely nice guy. It’s a rough cycle to be in when you confuse respect for a lack of interest. Sometimes it seems like there is no getting out, no changing, no love.
I still have faith that there is a guy out there who will be able to pull me up from the gutter and teach me how to love all over again. But I am still left wondering when it goes bad, when there is no hope for anything and you find your good girl gone.. Are you really gone forever?
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